It’s time to experience shame-free do-overs.
I teach group fitness classes. As an instructor I see lots of people start working out and then quit. Some that stop come back and start over. Others start and then don’t return for months. Some you never see again.
Photo by Jon Tyson on Unsplash
One thing remains the same. When they see me after being away for a while I always get the same look.
Deer in headlights.
Often, before I can even say hello, they start explaining why they haven’t been around. They begin berating themselves for not making it to class. They scorn themselves for their inability to balance exercise with life’s challenges.
They seemed shocked when I tell them that I’m not mad about them not being there. Attendance records have no bearing on whether or not someone is welcome in my class.
They seemed astonished when I say that starting over is OK. Every day is a new beginning. We’re all starting over every day.
They sometimes look confused when I say that their workout is for them, not me or anyone else in the class. When you work out, you’re not supporting me…you’re supporting YOU.
The more I see this the more I know that there’s an ugly shadow of embarrassment and shame hovering over the act of starting over.
Let’s talk about how to rip open the veil and give yourself the freedom to walk through to the other side.
First, we’ll discuss what scares us, then we’ll talk about steps you can take to get over it.
The big bad fear monster in your head.
Photo by Anne Nygård on Unsplash
The reason you are afraid comes down to two things. an external factor and an internal one.
Internal — You expect perfection from yourself.
Many of us hold ourselves to this impossible standard. A large contributor to this is that we live in a time when most people’s lives are so public thanks to things like social media.
Before social media, you didn’t have a window into the lives of hundreds or thousands of people.
Media used to be about news and famous people. People that you could at least say weren’t a good comparison to you because their lives were so vastly different than yours.
No with social media you can see into the lives of a ridiculous amount of people who are similar to you. So the temptation to draw comparisons becomes stronger and much easier.
And when you compare your total life to the highlights of their lives, which is all you can see, yours may not look or feel so great.
Your self-judgment about your imperfection is the true source of your embarrassment. Your negative internal dialogue about your life is what’s bringing you down and causing you pain.
Your internal perception leads to a perceived external one.
If you have an over-preoccupation with perception and trying to please people’s expectations, then you can go mad.
– Benedict Cumberbatch
External — You think other people are judging you.
There’s a little fear-monger living inside everyone. If you feed that monster, it will grow until it’s big and frightening. You’ll become paralyzed by any thought it places in your mind.
If you allow yourself the freedom to start over despite what others may think, it will release you from the monster’s tyranny.
Truth is, most people have no idea that you are starting over. If they do know, they aren’t concerned because have their own stuff to deal with.
You probably wouldn’t worry about what people think of you if you could know how seldom they do!
– Olin Miller
Now let’s talk about what you can do to shift your internal conversation.
7 steps to help you quiet the fear monger and move forward
There are no real start-overs, only start-from-heres. ― Richelle E. Goodrich, Making Wishes
Now you know what drives the fear. You can stop apologizing and begin taking steps to push away the shame and step out toward your goal.
Here’s the list:
1. Acknowledge that you are the source of the continual judgment. Commit to fighting the urge to self-judge.
You can’t fight something that you don’t acknowledge is there.
You must confront yourself and your fears, take responsibility for your own self-torment and commit to the work required to change.
Notice, I’m not saying decide or say that you won’t do it again. Let’s be real, you probably will do it again, because remember, you’re not perfect.
Your commitment must be to the work of changing. Not the idea of it.
2. Determine the root cause of your self-judgment.
No more swinging punches at ghosts. Time to identify the beliefs that fuel your tendency to self-judge, pull them up, and throw them out.
3. Brainstorm options for addressing the root cause.
Don’t discount any of your ideas while brainstorming. Let them flow and see what pops up. Sometimes weak ideas can send you down the path to great ideas.
4. Choose the action you feel will best address the issue.
Here are some questions to ask when vetting your ideas.
- Does this action address the root cause directly?
- Is it realistic? Can you actually do it?
- Will you enjoy doing it?
The answers to questions one and two need to be yes. Otherwise, you’re wasting your time.
Number three could be yes or no. If you have an action that hits on all three, you’ve got a great one to move forward with.
5. Break the action down into small doable steps.
Photo by Jake Hills on Unsplash
The simpler you make the steps, the easier it will be to take them. Small steps minimize fear and maximize achievability. Your achievement will fuel your courage to take the next step in the process.
6. Set dates and times to take the first actions you’ve identified.
If you want to change, you can’t leave it to chance. Schedule your actions and make them a priority.
7. Follow your schedule.
Take action on the steps you defined and keep going to build momentum, make progress, and see results. Don’t let it fade. If you do, the fear-monger will creep back in.
Keep going until you either reach your goal and/or your confidence feels strong.
I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead…
Philippians 3:13, The Bible — New American Standard
You don’t have to be subject to the endless badgering of your negative self-talk and judgment. You can reuse this process again and again as often as you like to kick the shame-based mindset out of your head.
Soon, you won’t see starting over as a setback. You’ll see it as an opportunity for a fresh start. You’ll recognize it as another chance to win!
- What negative self-talk habits are you fighting against?
- What do you think the root cause of those thoughts is?
Leslie is a success mindset and habits coach. She helps her clients build healthy mindsets so they can achieve mind, body, and spiritual wellness
Learn how to be habitually healthy with simple solutions you can use today.
BeFit Studio is located at 851 Oak Road Suite 4 Lawrenceville GA 30044
Website: https://www.be-fitstudio.com/
Email: BeFitstudio.gwinnett@gmail.com
